Pineapple Pizza: A Reasoned Look at a Controversial Food
Josiah Rogers
There are few issues so universally divisive as pineapple on pizza. Some say it’s the best thing since the Assyrians cooked round bread on their shields, while others say it’s a culinary abomination from the devil himself. So how do we solve this issue, and make planning pizza parties just a little easier?
Pineapple pizza’s detractors might suggest banning the topping outright. Or at the very least barring it from socially acceptable pizza parties. But that’s a rather extreme measure. Ask any room their opinion on pineapple pizza and a good half will chorus in praise of the topping. This vocal group ought not to be ignored. For to do so would go against the very democratic principles upon which this country was founded. Indeed, pineapple pizza represents the diversity that brings our nation together. America is not just eight slices, but a whole pizza pie.
Pineapple pizza also just tastes good. The fruity tang contrasts nicely with the hearty tomato sauce and bready crust. It provides a sweetness we all need in our dreary, work-filled lives. It is reminiscent of better days when we were not so old and angry, and when we could get up in the morning without a cup of caffeinated bean water.
On the other hand, some may find pineapple’s fruity flavor incompatible with pizza’s savoriness. It is a jarring contrast of culinary cacophony unfit for human consumption. Pineapple’s acidity makes it unpleasant for sensitive palates even when eaten by itself, and much less when combined with the already conflicting flavors of cheese, crust, and tomato sauce. And not only the flavor but the texture of pineapple invites derision; for not only is pineapple soft, its juice can leak into the sauce, ruining even the whole crust.
And with all this controversy surrounding pineapple, there are many other toppings that are universally loved. Many pineapple pizza lovers (myself included) would be perfectly happy with more popular ingredients such as pepperoni. Less divisive pizza can satisfy both sides of the argument without making people unhappy. And isn’t that what pizza parties are all about? Friendship and camaraderie, not fruit-based arguments?
But there is a simple solution; buy two pizzas. Or buy one pizza and put pineapple on half. Because that represents the spirit of compromise we all could use in our divided world. No party gets the whole pie. And the Founding Fathers designed it that way for good reason.